Happy Valentines day from WHO???

I've become very cynical about Valentines day since arriving in America. In the UK Valentines day serves 3 purposes:

  1. One more obligation to spend money on your wife/girlfriend so that she feels more important than her friends and therefore feels obliged to give you a little extra jiggety-jiggety
  2. A chance to make a move on someone you like who is probably pretty desperate on February the 14th in the hope of jiggety-jiggety and the chance to spend the rest of your life doing #1
  3. The chance to send prank cards to your buddies to reduce the chance of him getting any of the aforementioned jiggety-jiggety

On my arrival in the US I discovered that Valentines day is pretty much the same as Christmas except its open to all religions and you don't get to eat turkey. Everyone gives everyone cards. Teachers, parents, grandparents, stalkers, serial killers etc. There is even wonderful tradition of giving everyone in your class a card and they sell the cards by the boxful to enable this. The end result of course is that ugly people do not find out they are unlovable until they are adults which probably is great only for the psychiatrist industry.

Anyway none of that was really my point... Today I have 3 emails so far all about Valentines day. One was from the Portland Marathon, one was from KFC and I just got one from GoDaddy. The only way I can relate these to valentines day is as follows:

  1. Portland Marathon: Hey ZMan you are fat and not getting any jiggety-jiggety so maybe if you try a little joggety-joggety you will get more in the future
  2. KFC: Hey Zman nothing impresses a girl more that putting her in your car and driving her down to the local KFC for a valentines day meal. Don't forget to use the coupon we included as we hear cheapskates get lots of jiggety-jiggety
  3. GoDaddy: Hey Zman you know that chick from our TV adverts? Well if you buy some domains from us we might send her round your house for some.... yes you guessed it

When I am 'King of the Universe' ™ © I will make it one of my laws that valentines gifts or cards can only be sent to someone you either want the jiggety-jiggety with or as a joke which you swear was very very funny when you were in the pub the week before

(I'm not sure where I came up with jiggety-jiggety but I grinned every time I typed it so it MUST be a funny word right?)

Published 13 February 2007 12:55 AM by zman

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